cuticleoil:

daythesupergay:

cuticleoil:

she needs her pussy ate

Who?

the girl reading this

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

drfitzmonster:

my wife just found one of my inhalers in the branches of our xmas tree

which means we either have ghosts

or one of the cats hid my inhaler like a leopard hides a kill

Cat: Hooman you forget this ornament

You: That is not an ornament I need that to live

Cat: I put on tree

You: CAT NO

Cat: I HELP

pleatherghost:

pleatherghost:

pleatherghost:

pleatherghost:

you can deal so much damage by just switching articles. “i’m so hungry, i could eat the horse.” one-hit k.o.

don’t look the gift horse in a mouth

you can also add horses to other idioms, such as, “don’t count your horses before they hatch.” you can do this in any number of ways

this is the most powerful addition to this i’ve seen. thanks, furry fricker 69

loveaintnobillygoat:

my family: oh look at you, NPR nerd, always listening to those informative podcasts of yours

Griffin McElroy, in my headphones: I’d fuck a jpeg

opposite-of-a-problem:

teamnowalls:

chinaglaze:

37q:

do you think truckers realize that theyre dentists of highways

explain

they both fuck twinks at gas stations

explain

bitbats:

merry crit miss

lynati:

gallusrostromegalus:

wigglyflippingout:

wigglyflippingout:

so last night my nightmare was that i was doing adult stuff writing checks, and in the part of the check where you say the amount of money in words, i wrote “fifty dollars fucking exactly”, and then spent the rest of the nightmare stressing about whether the bank takes checks with cussing in them or not

the next time i see @loononthepond in real life i am handing her a check for “two dollars fucking exactly” and we will report back with results

Fiance worked at a bank and says they definitely took checks with swearing as long as they could read the “Fifty Dollars” part.

He once had someone hand him a check for “seventy-six dollars and twelve cents, I hope you choke on it asshole” with an additional “travel expenses, to hell” in the “for” section.

That is useful to know.

Cutting your fingernails too short can cause them to grow back in strange directions, mostly west and southwest.